Thank you for nothing.
Hello! Sorry if it took me ages to blog again sobrang naging busy nadin kasi dahil graduating nadin ako. (YIPEEE!) I really missed blogging lalo na yung community! Don`t worry I`ll make it a habit to write at least one blog entry every week na :D.
What`s with the title? I know that it sounds a bit mysterious (for me ah) and you guys are expecting me to write an entry full of happiness as a come back entry but I just really want to share this experience. I believe that you guys might learn from this experience of mine lalo na yung mga umiibig, so here it is! :D *Plays (Red-Taylor Swift) while writing*
Having an on and off relationship for the past year is not easy for me. Other people were even telling me that I`m the kind of guy na other people must not entertain. They thought that I`m just playing games with these girls, they told me that I`m just playing with their feelings. Sino ba matutuwa kapag sinabihan ng ganun? I know sa sarili ko that I`m giving my 100% kapag naiinlove ako. I know that when I`m stucked in that moment, ang gusto ko lang gawin is to please that girl and to be appreciated. I have no idea what`s happening with me and with my relationship basta ang alam ko is that I`m REALLY giving my everything pero nagfafail parin. They call me playboy, paasa, etc. They view me that way, and I can`t blame them.
After the previous one, I tried to talk to myself "Why is this happening to me?". I have really no idea. I`m the kind of person who wants to ace everything pa naman basta na-start ko gawin. I`m good in my studies& social life, but this so called love kept on giving me a FAILED mark. After hours of concentrating and thinking, wala parin ako nakuhang sagot :( but I got a sign. This sign makes me remember that I`m secretly & deeply in love with my friend for already a year na pala. This friend is very special to me. I always treat her with respect and I`m always trying to act in a gentleman manner when I`m in front of her. I`m already secretly keeping this feeling for a very long time. Actually cine-celebrate ko pa nga ung monthsary ng pagkabaliw ko sakanya, kung alam niya lang. Sana.
After all of those realizations nalaman ko na yung reason why I`m constantly experiencing these fail relationships. Kung bakit until now hindi parin ako nakaka experience magka ANNIVERSARY or MONTHSARY man lang. Narealize ko na NILOLOKO ko lang pala yung sarili ko. I`m just trying to cover up this feeling by looking for another girl na I`m attracted to (parang minute crush ba yung ganun). Ilang taon ko na nga ba niloloko ung sarili ko? I`m just forcing myself to love someone for the sake na this special... wait... Very special friend ay hindi mawala. People think na I`m born to socialize with people, to bond with them, pero this is a different story eh. I know that I have the guts and the confidence to tell this to her pero I`m just very very very afraid to lose her, na baka magiba na yung treatment just in case sabihin ko sakanya. At this point of time I really have no idea what to do. Basta ang alam ko I`m very afraid. Call me a coward but I`m really afraid so I decided to sleep nalang.
The time is ticking and a week already passed and I`m still bothered with these realizations. Sana nga hindi ko nalang inisip, bakit pa? :-/ I don`t know if I`ll admit it to her na or I`ll keep it a secret nalang and i-continue ko yung pagsisinungaling sa sarili ko. I really hate this feeling. I badly need help with this, talagang sobrang bothered ko. I already started to act with more "care" sakanya hoping na she wont notice. First time ko inuntog yung ulo ko sa lamesa because I`m really bothered by this one. The moment na na-realize ko na I can`t handle this kind of feeling anymore I already consulted my dad and I told him everything starting from the scratch. This is also actually the first time that I consulted my dad with such. I never consulted my family pagdating sa ganito because I don`t want them to interfere with my personal life. I always ask my close friends. Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya. I know that this is going to sound gay (no offense meant to LGBT) pero ang kaya ko nalang gawin while talking with my dad is to cry and mainis sa sarili ko. Na sana sinabi ko na sakanya dati pa, na sana hindi ko nalang niloko yung sarili ko. I really hate myself. Inis na inis ako sa mga nangyayari. Sana hindi ko nalang pinigilan ng hindi lumala. In the end of the day, my dad and my close friends pushed me to admit my feelings. It`s like now or never. I need courage.
The day has come. I woke up with the courage that my friends and my dad gave me. This time and alam ko is I`m willing to risk everything. It`s now or never nga diba. I want to clear everything. I want to tell her every single detail that she must know. I want to tell her how important and special she is to me. I want to stop tricking myself na. Ayaw ko nang lokohin yung sarili ko and paniwalain na I`m not inlove with her anymore. I`m very nervous. I don`t know what will be the result. Well hindi ko rin naman malalaman if I`m not going to move. As much as I wanted to be happy for her, hindi ko magawa eh. There will be 2 results lang naman, the good and the bad; life will be good if there will be no ilangan between us, it will be bad if awkwardness is going to conquer our friendship na. I`m a bit skeptical with what I`m going to do but I already have my final words with this. Let it be. Just let it be.
My dad called few mins before I`m about to approach her. I`m really touched with the support and the effort that he`s exerting/giving to me. He asked me if I can hand the phone to her and I did. I have no idea kung ano yung pinagusapan nila basta one thing for sure alam ko that my dad started to say nasty stuff na (Yeah I can see it sa facial expressions nya). I believe naman kay dad ko na he`s doing his best to open the conversation and make it easy for me to open up na. So this is the moment na...
*Insert a long conversation here*
I told her how special she is to me. That I`m willing to take the risk and everything. I told her that I wanted to erase the playboy image na nag-mark na sakanila. I told her na niloloko ko yung self ko for so long just because I don`t want to lose her. Malapit na nga mag 2nd year anniversary eh. Pinakita ko sakanya yung instagram posts ko with the time stamp included as a proof that I`m not kidding. I reminded her na she told me before na "Mag seryoso kana kawawa sila" and I told her na "If you`re wondering kung bakit nagkaganon, kung bakit nag fail yung past relationships ko, ito yung reason". People know that I have this big confidence to speak in public but during that time, feeling ko kinakain na ako ng lupa. I have no idea kung ano yung ngyayari. It feels like someone`s controlling my mind and body.
*So what`s next?*
We`re now in an awkward state. I tried to fix everything for the better. I tried to patch up everything. Pero wala eh, mas malala pa. She treats me as nobody now. I feel very sad with the result but I`m still thankful to God na pina-experience niya sakin yung ganitong bagay. I`m not looking for a girlfriend so don`t ask me to look for one, give me a week and I can provide you one but that`s not what I`m looking for. Yep I`m disappointed, good thing my friends are there to help me. Until now I`m still not fine. 7 or 8 days na ata nangyayari to. It feels like the world is too small for us already. Hirap ng naiilang, ng may iniiwasan. I learned a lot from this experience. I have no hard feelings for you. Actually if you`re already free I`m still here, feel free to poke me. Nothing`s going to change. Thank you so much for giving me my first rejection, at least I experienced one na and I know how it feels already. World record ka ah :D. I`m just kidding!:)) I`m disappointed but I`m thankful to you. (just in case mabasa mo to) I can wait. Yep. I`m begging you.
I got a lot of lessons from this experience and I`m very thankful for it. This may not be the right time but life must move on. Let`s use these lessons to be a better person. Here it goes:
1) Experiencing failure is normal. If you`ll keep on winning everything you`ll think that you`re already capable of doing big things without considering that you can go bigger.
2) Life is too short, make the most out of your time.
3) Fall 7 times and stand up 8.
4) Just because you`re not having a good time with a person,thing, etc. doesnt mean that your day is bad. Focus on other stuff. A single thing SHOULD NOT define your day/life.
5) Never force anyone to like you. You don`t need to change yourself to be likable
6) Instead of giving your focus to the person who ignores it, give it to someone who`s longing for your attention. You`re just blind today, you`ll be able to see them tomorrow. :)
-Allen
What`s with the title? I know that it sounds a bit mysterious (for me ah) and you guys are expecting me to write an entry full of happiness as a come back entry but I just really want to share this experience. I believe that you guys might learn from this experience of mine lalo na yung mga umiibig, so here it is! :D *Plays (Red-Taylor Swift) while writing*
Having an on and off relationship for the past year is not easy for me. Other people were even telling me that I`m the kind of guy na other people must not entertain. They thought that I`m just playing games with these girls, they told me that I`m just playing with their feelings. Sino ba matutuwa kapag sinabihan ng ganun? I know sa sarili ko that I`m giving my 100% kapag naiinlove ako. I know that when I`m stucked in that moment, ang gusto ko lang gawin is to please that girl and to be appreciated. I have no idea what`s happening with me and with my relationship basta ang alam ko is that I`m REALLY giving my everything pero nagfafail parin. They call me playboy, paasa, etc. They view me that way, and I can`t blame them.
After the previous one, I tried to talk to myself "Why is this happening to me?". I have really no idea. I`m the kind of person who wants to ace everything pa naman basta na-start ko gawin. I`m good in my studies& social life, but this so called love kept on giving me a FAILED mark. After hours of concentrating and thinking, wala parin ako nakuhang sagot :( but I got a sign. This sign makes me remember that I`m secretly & deeply in love with my friend for already a year na pala. This friend is very special to me. I always treat her with respect and I`m always trying to act in a gentleman manner when I`m in front of her. I`m already secretly keeping this feeling for a very long time. Actually cine-celebrate ko pa nga ung monthsary ng pagkabaliw ko sakanya, kung alam niya lang. Sana.
After all of those realizations nalaman ko na yung reason why I`m constantly experiencing these fail relationships. Kung bakit until now hindi parin ako nakaka experience magka ANNIVERSARY or MONTHSARY man lang. Narealize ko na NILOLOKO ko lang pala yung sarili ko. I`m just trying to cover up this feeling by looking for another girl na I`m attracted to (parang minute crush ba yung ganun). Ilang taon ko na nga ba niloloko ung sarili ko? I`m just forcing myself to love someone for the sake na this special... wait... Very special friend ay hindi mawala. People think na I`m born to socialize with people, to bond with them, pero this is a different story eh. I know that I have the guts and the confidence to tell this to her pero I`m just very very very afraid to lose her, na baka magiba na yung treatment just in case sabihin ko sakanya. At this point of time I really have no idea what to do. Basta ang alam ko I`m very afraid. Call me a coward but I`m really afraid so I decided to sleep nalang.
The time is ticking and a week already passed and I`m still bothered with these realizations. Sana nga hindi ko nalang inisip, bakit pa? :-/ I don`t know if I`ll admit it to her na or I`ll keep it a secret nalang and i-continue ko yung pagsisinungaling sa sarili ko. I really hate this feeling. I badly need help with this, talagang sobrang bothered ko. I already started to act with more "care" sakanya hoping na she wont notice. First time ko inuntog yung ulo ko sa lamesa because I`m really bothered by this one. The moment na na-realize ko na I can`t handle this kind of feeling anymore I already consulted my dad and I told him everything starting from the scratch. This is also actually the first time that I consulted my dad with such. I never consulted my family pagdating sa ganito because I don`t want them to interfere with my personal life. I always ask my close friends. Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya. I know that this is going to sound gay (no offense meant to LGBT) pero ang kaya ko nalang gawin while talking with my dad is to cry and mainis sa sarili ko. Na sana sinabi ko na sakanya dati pa, na sana hindi ko nalang niloko yung sarili ko. I really hate myself. Inis na inis ako sa mga nangyayari. Sana hindi ko nalang pinigilan ng hindi lumala. In the end of the day, my dad and my close friends pushed me to admit my feelings. It`s like now or never. I need courage.
The day has come. I woke up with the courage that my friends and my dad gave me. This time and alam ko is I`m willing to risk everything. It`s now or never nga diba. I want to clear everything. I want to tell her every single detail that she must know. I want to tell her how important and special she is to me. I want to stop tricking myself na. Ayaw ko nang lokohin yung sarili ko and paniwalain na I`m not inlove with her anymore. I`m very nervous. I don`t know what will be the result. Well hindi ko rin naman malalaman if I`m not going to move. As much as I wanted to be happy for her, hindi ko magawa eh. There will be 2 results lang naman, the good and the bad; life will be good if there will be no ilangan between us, it will be bad if awkwardness is going to conquer our friendship na. I`m a bit skeptical with what I`m going to do but I already have my final words with this. Let it be. Just let it be.
My dad called few mins before I`m about to approach her. I`m really touched with the support and the effort that he`s exerting/giving to me. He asked me if I can hand the phone to her and I did. I have no idea kung ano yung pinagusapan nila basta one thing for sure alam ko that my dad started to say nasty stuff na (Yeah I can see it sa facial expressions nya). I believe naman kay dad ko na he`s doing his best to open the conversation and make it easy for me to open up na. So this is the moment na...
*Insert a long conversation here*
I told her how special she is to me. That I`m willing to take the risk and everything. I told her that I wanted to erase the playboy image na nag-mark na sakanila. I told her na niloloko ko yung self ko for so long just because I don`t want to lose her. Malapit na nga mag 2nd year anniversary eh. Pinakita ko sakanya yung instagram posts ko with the time stamp included as a proof that I`m not kidding. I reminded her na she told me before na "Mag seryoso kana kawawa sila" and I told her na "If you`re wondering kung bakit nagkaganon, kung bakit nag fail yung past relationships ko, ito yung reason". People know that I have this big confidence to speak in public but during that time, feeling ko kinakain na ako ng lupa. I have no idea kung ano yung ngyayari. It feels like someone`s controlling my mind and body.
*So what`s next?*
We`re now in an awkward state. I tried to fix everything for the better. I tried to patch up everything. Pero wala eh, mas malala pa. She treats me as nobody now. I feel very sad with the result but I`m still thankful to God na pina-experience niya sakin yung ganitong bagay. I`m not looking for a girlfriend so don`t ask me to look for one, give me a week and I can provide you one but that`s not what I`m looking for. Yep I`m disappointed, good thing my friends are there to help me. Until now I`m still not fine. 7 or 8 days na ata nangyayari to. It feels like the world is too small for us already. Hirap ng naiilang, ng may iniiwasan. I learned a lot from this experience. I have no hard feelings for you. Actually if you`re already free I`m still here, feel free to poke me. Nothing`s going to change. Thank you so much for giving me my first rejection, at least I experienced one na and I know how it feels already. World record ka ah :D. I`m just kidding!:)) I`m disappointed but I`m thankful to you. (just in case mabasa mo to) I can wait. Yep. I`m begging you.
I got a lot of lessons from this experience and I`m very thankful for it. This may not be the right time but life must move on. Let`s use these lessons to be a better person. Here it goes:
1) Experiencing failure is normal. If you`ll keep on winning everything you`ll think that you`re already capable of doing big things without considering that you can go bigger.
2) Life is too short, make the most out of your time.
3) Fall 7 times and stand up 8.
4) Just because you`re not having a good time with a person,thing, etc. doesnt mean that your day is bad. Focus on other stuff. A single thing SHOULD NOT define your day/life.
5) Never force anyone to like you. You don`t need to change yourself to be likable
6) Instead of giving your focus to the person who ignores it, give it to someone who`s longing for your attention. You`re just blind today, you`ll be able to see them tomorrow. :)
-Allen
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